The Domain of Silanael
2025-08-01-WIP
| WHAT | |||
|---|---|---|---|
| My personal homepage | |||
| WHO | |||
| A Shattered, Weary Soul | |||
| A Lone Wolf | |||
| An Aspiring Creator | |||
| A Destroyer of Happiness | |||
| The Wraith | |||
| DESPISED | APPRECIATED | ||
| Exhaustion & feverishness | Power | ||
| Male trash | Loyalty | ||
| Profound weakness | Devotion | ||
| Religionists & wokeists | Relentlessness | ||
| Lollers and simpletons | Emotion | ||
| Full-time roleplayers | Flame | ||
| STATUS | |||
| EN | |||
| LVE | |||
| HPE | |||
| HTE | |||
| PMO | SUB | SPECTRE | |
| UPTIME | From 1985-03-15 18:09 | ||
| HOW | |||
| This time around with the added power of the blockchain. | |||
| WHY | |||
| Because this is what I do. | |||
Though the downfall of person is often a sum of many things, the single factor that has effectively ruined most of my life is the chronic fatigue / feverishness that began around 1998 or so when I was 12-13 (maybe even earlier, my then-good-mood possibly masking it).
The year in question marked the beginning of my long-term depression, seeing the death of a friend along with certain difficulties that arised upon entering a new school. For the longest time, I associated the symptoms with the mental state, yet the constantly elevated activity of the immune system, along with the fact that my mood has had decent amount of variety within the past two and a half decades would indicate the issue to be of physical origin.
During my life, I've undergone 3-4 medical investigation periods to identify and mitigate the condition, the latest of such spanning 3 years from late 2019. This extensive inspection condluded with the following statement:
While the findings are indisputable, we have been unable to find the cause, and there's nothing more left to check.
The only medical solution I've found during these 26 years that got the symptoms down to an acceptable level was the combination of cortisone and infliximab (ZESSLY), that was used to treat the relapse-period of my Colitis Ulcerosa. This spanned a period during which I felt significantly better - like I was alive again - with the level of exhaustion significantly diminished. It allowed me to wake up at more reasonable hours (around 09:00) and have much more productive energy, feeling so content that people close to me noticed the change, saying that I was like a new person. (The effect of this period can be seen in my Pixel Year chart of 2022, correlating with the first ZESSLY-injection taking place on 2022-09-08 - Year 2023 for comparison)
Alas, this combination of medicine cannot act as a long-term solution as prolonged use of cortisone comes with (allegedly) too severe side-effects. Furthermore, the department that deals with the biological medicines continues to reject my appeals to switch back to ZESSLY due to it having had worse response for the condition it was used to treat (Colitis Ulcerosa) than the one I'm currently using - Entyvio / vedolizumab - along with posing a speculated risk of harmful immune reaction. This, however, does not seem entirely reasonable as had ZESSLY managed to calm the worsening phase of the disease, I'd still be using it (as self-injected form), not to mention that CU remained in control without any biological medicine whatsoever for almost one and a half decades.
I cannot state for certain whether the positive response was brought by the combination of the medicines, or by ZESSLY alone; cortisone had no such effect after using it separately for weeks prior to the biological infusions, yet the exhaustion-countering effect seemed to diminish during the use of ZESSLY, possibly coinciding to the phase-out of cortisone. Furthermore, as the blood loss resulting from the relapse-period of CU brought me to extremely poor condition, it is possible that the effect witnessed stemmed from the improved mental state as the situation stabilized, yet the use of these two medicines is the only clue I have to go with, and the fact that ZESSLY produced this response while Entyvio did not, could be explained by the different nature of the two; the former, in my understanding, has an effect onmouseover the entire immune system (on the source of the chronic infection as well) while Entyvio is specifically targeting the intestines.
In absence of a medical remedy, I've found only two ways to make things more bearable: Tapping into whatever energy source is available, and lowering energy use by cutting out all the unnecessary things that consume it.
The first one is tricky to achieve. The only feelings strong enough to counter the exhaustion to a manageable level are love, hope and hate. As hope is the inverse function of knowledge, and love is something even more scarce, it leaves only one source of energy, one abundant and plentiful. Yet is is not only the weakest of the three, but a consuming one as well, so tapping into it comes with a cost. This forms the basis of Project Spectre that, while starting out as a relatively innocent need to learn how some things are and get a proper conclusion, turned into a twisted version of this, resulting in me haunting a realm that I should have left behind a long time ago, using any means necessary to keep on going just a while longer.
When it comes to reducing energy consumption, there is nothing more powerful than being able to let go of all that drains it - power, control and responsibility - resting for a moment in the hands of someone safe and caring, someone strong enough to take care of me at least as well as I could take care of myself, even if just for a little while. Though there are other aspects involved in the act I speak of, this kind of moment of true, absolute rest is what it's really about to me. Alas, for this to work, a very special person is required, or at the very least the hope that maybe this time around, things will go differently. Unfortunately it would appear that the hope in me has diminished to a level low enough to render this method unviable.
Another example of energy-conservation is my tendency of keeping contacts to the minimum, cutting out everything below close friends as the benefits of these interactions do not warrant the amount of energy required to maintain them - the energy that I simply cannot afford to throw away.
As one might imagine, life with these symptoms is quite unpleasant, making it difficult to properly enjoy of things. It is a constant game of energy-balancing that entails significant sacrifices and struggles just to see another day, the desire possibly stemming from a tiny bit of hope there's left for things one day becoming better, or perhaps out of mere spite and defiance (or what we finns call sisu). I can no longer tell.
The one who gives me information leading to an effective improvement in this condition will have my eternal gratitude
(Some terms and conditions apply)
I never tire of expressing my most profound and deep disdain towards a very particular type of people: lust-driven males that frequently engage in casual sexual interaction with whoever happens to be around and willing to sate their primal urges with their acts devoid of romantic affection, commitment or loyalty, and in many cases, even basic affection and consideration towards the other person.
In real life, one might find this trash to be habitating bars and strip clubs, but the ones that I've had a prolonged exposure to tends to accumulate in online worlds, most notably on a certain realm of a certain MMORPG. This variety spends its days casually fucking one another with no strings attached, most often playing female characters that come with something extra to retain even a bit of their perceived masculinity through the acts, after which they most often act like nothing of importance had happened - and why wouldn't they, as to this trash, it's all about their session of "interactive porn" (as one of them once put it), the player behind the character more or less irrelevant. Nothing highlights this better seeing them getting intimate with multiple different partners during the same day, sometimes having the audacity of doing so immediately after finishing with their previous partner - this kind of insatiability is a prevalent characteristics of the type.
This mentality is even more apparent when it comes to the so-called "jerkbaiters" that don't even bother to roleplay these situations, going straight to masturbating to the naked characters of one another. It took me some time to figure out what this lazy new-age thing entails, and I still unsure whether the "baiting" side is getting some sexual pleasure out of the act or if it's some weird solidarity between males - or might this be some kind of twisted game played with the "gooners"?
If the traits mentioned so far were the only negatives, I suppose the type would be somewhat manageable, yet it is often the case that there's another one that goes hand in hand with them - the tendency of spineless lying. Lacking the willpower to resist their urges, it is not uncommon for these to get in a predicament that would be an equivalent of cheating in these online-arrangements, then lying about it when confronted - I've lost count on how many instances of this I've personally witnessed along the years. Many of these even give the impression of valuing honesty and loalty, yet not either capable or willing to uphold these values themselves.
The lowest trash - if not counting the ones who get involved with children - of this type of people are the ones that practice the aforeementioned online activity while in an actual real-life relationship (some even allegedly married), typically not even seeing anything wrong with doing so. Their most common excuse is their scenes being mere in-character interactions with the acts performed by imaginary characters, but at the end of the day, we're still talking about active sexual interaction with another person. Naturally, different couples have different standards when it comes to defining what is acceptable in a relationship and what isn't, but in my eyes, not minding your partner getting into sexual scenes with other people falls into the realm of an open relationship - and don't even get me started on the polygamy-garbage...
The term 'male trash' may be a bit of a misnomer as women are quite capable of whoring around as well - yet based on my observations, acting like this for the sake of "getting off" appears to be predominantly a male trait; when women do it, it tends to be for different reasons (such as material gain, to feel wanted, or just for the attention). This doesn't make it any less disgusting - rest assured that regardless of gender, anyone who enjoys casually whoring around will get a share of my ire.
Why do I hate them so very much?
Once upon a time, like many young souls that didn't quite belong, I, too, sought for refuge from the imaginary fantasy world that ended up being the only place where I could feel fully female as well as experience a moment of ultimate rest. This was achieved in a setting that allowed me to drive down all that was burdening as well as tap into a source of energy tremendously more potent than the burning hatred I now use to sustains me.
That source was the hope of finding a harmless flame.
I'm something of a moth, inherently drawn to the dancing flames. Knowing full well what happens when the two get close, I spent decades looking for one that was harmless to touch, yet burnt bright still whilst bringing warmth and light into the darkness of the night. Needless to say, I never found what I was searching for, only coming across what I now collectively refer to as male trash - my worst mistake was believing that they could be better than what they are, thinking that maybe next time, things would go differently.
They never did. And eventually came the day when the last embers of the hope in my heart sizzled away, sending out a last spark that would ignite into a raging inferno that would be anything but harmless not only to anyone who contributed to this, but to anyone who could have done so.
All that said, I acknowledge that some of the ones I've encountered have displayed desire of commitment, wishing for real and meaningful things with the dealbreaker being factors related to yours truly, but this doesn't stop me from harnessing my burning hatred for them as a backup energy source - one that is abundant and neverending.
And that's what makes me the villain of this little story.
Such people always remain subject to their fears, petrifying or fleeing when facing danger as their dominant natural instinct is self-preservation instead of ensuring the wellbeing of the ones close to them, commonly resorting to escaping instead of facing the issues. As such, the type cannot be entrusted with anything mission-critical or even be momentarily offloaded with some of the responsibility.
Though I've been known to forge alliances with such ones on occasion, I have little interest in repeating the mistakes of others - mistakes that I have observed from quite close distance. Yet even so, while interacting with the type tends to result in a net energy loss, other aspect present in the relation may still make it worthwhile.
This is especially true if the amount of caring expressed is strong enough to offset the energy used.
Though this category is strongly tied to the one above, the extent of the weakness present in religionists is on a whole different level; a child believing in fairytales is one thing, an adult doing that is something else entirely.
Those perceptive enough may have noticed that I'm directing my ire towards religionists - the ones practicing religions - instead of the actual religions themselves. This is due to the latter being a symptom of the weakness of one's mind; even in absence of god-worshipping, the same traits driving people into religion would be manifesting in other ways instead. This is also why I'm grouping wokeists with them, as this new-age movement is exhibiting similar cult-like properties of blindly following an ideology currently prevalent in their circle of peers, ignoring contradicting evidence and attacking anyone who harbors a different opinion when it comes to LBGT-matters, regardless of how peacefully and neutrally such may be presented.
Humans may be the most intelligent species on Earth, yet the caveat is that most of us aren't intelligent enough to deal with the questions that our advanced minds have conjured.
Why are we here? What's the purpose of life? What happens after death?
These are the questions a human mind can present, yet has no answer to. And not being able to have an answer scares people; it scares them so much that during the course of humanity, they have come up with imaginary answers to make them feel better - answers that would give them comfort.
This is perhaps the core reason for religions having developed among humans. And it brings me to the first reason people would believe in such:
Fear.
Being scared of death, scared of the darkness of the world, the thought of a powerful being that watches over you and grants you a blissful afterlife gives them comfort. They want to believe in it simply because it's a pleasant, soothing thought that works to alleviate their fear.
Of course, in the end, it is nothing but a form of self-deception. This kind of mind is weak because it doesn't have what it takes to confront the reality, willfully choosing to escape into fantasy instead.
Another reason to believe in these supernatural tales is simply not questioning it, having been brainwashed by people you grew up with. These people include family, friends and the surrounding society along with its predominant culture and religion.
When you've been fed that crap from early childhood, it takes a mind stronger than average to push all that aside an look at things objectively and to ask the question "Does this make any sense at all?". Most people do not do this, merely carrying on the religion as it's what they were taught to do. Much like robots, they have been programmed by others.
Then there are those who do question it but do not want to abandon their religion in fear of becoming outcast in their societies, losing their precious families and friends and in the case of the most savage and primitive ones, risking their lives as well. So this reason, too, originates from weakness.
Upon glancing at these reasons, it becomes apparent that all of them originate from various weaknesses of mind, rendering these simpletons effectively controlled by their religions. This makes them a nuisance at best and a significant threat at the worst; for one who believes that a blissful afterlife awaits them, should they follow the doctrine, or worse yet, experience eternal torment should they not, conventional methods of control - such as the threat of death - are not as effective.
While the doctrines of various religions are vastly different (islam perhaps being the most significant threat to the western world in 2024), the fundamental issues that make a person subject to becoming religius are present in all of them, and as such, they will not be collaborated with unless doing so is absolutely mission-critical.
One might be quick to dismiss the way a person types as an insignificant property to measure - even more so when their primary method of communication is verbal - yet there is a correlation between that and one's mental capabilities, it also acting as an indicator of the presence of some traits I deem important.
If a person has not acquired a vocabulary sufficient for expressing complex thoughts, it is unlikely that such thoughts are had. The communication practiced by such a simpleton is often limited in both form and essence, restricted to conveying simple concepts without utilizing the nuances of synonyms, rendering them as rather banal partners in conversation.
Commonly observed with the above is a lack of appreciation for style and form, this manifesting in disregarding punctuations, typing in lower case as well as in employing lolspeak in general. While it is debatable whether all the rules that are currently considered to be a part of good typing have actual objective benefits or are something people have merely been conditioned to see as appealing (in which case clinging to its use would fall into the category of ape-behavior), it is undeniable that producing such text requires a bit more care and effort, doing this speaking of a personality with an affinity towards doing things properly.
Of course, everyone makes spelling mistakes - I'm quite aware that I do as well - yet all this boils down to the type of personality; my appreciation is reserved for the souls that strive to do things properly, undergoing a constant pursuit for improvement as well as have thoughts more complex than what to have for dinner.
Intellect, when combined with some class and style, is a combination quite irresistible.
There was a time when I associated the act of roleplaying with a creative mind with an appreciation for immersive stories and literature in general. Once upon a time, the association may have been a valid one, yet any closer examination to the so-called RP-community of today reveals it to be a notion most misguided.
While some attunement for the aforementioned may exist within the modern RPers, playing this variation of make-believe on older age is really about escaping reality; living an imaginary life of an imaginary character in a fantasy world that they tend to deem better than the real one.
Often times, these people also use their in-character encounters as a substitute for real human interactions that they are not able to effectively undergo for one reason or another, resorting to the imaginary exchanges to cater to their social (and sexual) needs. This is not necessarily a negative by itself - we all do what we must to survive - until you factor in the risk of starting to prioritize the imaginary life over the real one, continuing to embrace the illusion instead of focusing their efforts to improve what is actually meaningful - their real life.
Not all roleplayers fall into this pit: to some, RP is merely a novel thing to try out during the early phase of their lives - perhaps to explore new parts of their personalities, perhaps just for the fun of it - eventually growing out of it. It is not these ones I harbor disdain for; my ire is for those who continue to choose the illusion over real and meaningful things, the ones that disregard the player behind the character in their attempt to escape into an imaginary fantasyland.
Where most other hobbies offer a genuine, social aspect along with the main activity, it is not uncommon for roleplayers to actively try to avoid this element altogether by keeping the OOC (out of character) interaction to the bare minimum. This is, of course, not always the case, but I've found that the ones most open to real interactions are the ones to whom the act is but a phase.
The type of people most drawn to the act are not the storytellers or literature-enjoyers, but the the social outcasts; ones that consider the real world to have nothing to offer to them while being unwilling to do whatever necessary to change that, the kind of people who have the tendency of running away from their troubles instead of facing them, often times lacking the skills for proper social interaction. These people get addicted to their imaginary power, resulting in endless clashes and drama for what a common person might consider rather trivial matters. It is also not uncommon for RPers to seek to control one another on the OOC-side as well, trying to make others abide to their ways that they consider to be the only right way to practice the act.
As expected from any escapist, being prone to lying along with generic spinelessness are common traits among roleplayers; having escaped their real issues to the fantasy world, they don't have what it takes to face negative events there either, this leading them to resort to lies to avoid unpeasant outcomes. Having one's character cheat in an IC-relationship (easily happening when the player is horny and their IC-partner isn't around) and lying about it OOCly is a classic example of this.
At the end of the day, long-time RPers fall into the same category as substance-users, both striving for a prolonged escape of reality; while their methods are arguably less harmful (except for those who try to establish something real with them), the principle remains the same.
As such, any roleplay taking place outside the bedroom-context is a hobby suitable for kids and socially-retarded adults, neither being something that I'm a fan of.
This section was originally going to be titled MtF', focusing solely on gender and the trans-phenomenon, but the more I thought about it, the less justified I felt regarding listing myself as one - where there was a time when it all seemed clear to me, during the recent times, some doubts have begun to manifest in my mind, the state of being a MtF effectively replaced by the state of the spark of life having left me once more, leaving behind a mere spectral being that haunts the place that I once upon a time used to love.
Though this change in approach was the result of the last embers of hope in my heart smoldering away, I cannot place the blame on circumstances alone; this kind of darkness, this willingness of pursuing objectives by any means necessary - even if that meant drawing energy from the suffering from others - has always been a property of my soul, from as early into my childhood as I can remember, the external factors merely acting to unleash this side of me.
For those here for the philosophy behind my wraith-ops: what I'm doing is utilizing my hatred that burns not only for the ones who contributed to the flame-out of the embers of the hope in my heart, but for anyone who could have done that as well, sustaining myself with it long enough to get more meaningful work done. Some of the goals of the CPG-project are to bring some consequences to the ones it targets, as well as actively feed this consuming yet enpowering emotion in me.
During my years, I've came across only three possible sources of energy potent enough to bring the near-crippling chronic exhaustion to an acceptable level, and hatred, while being the most damaging and consuming one, is by far the most abundant of them. Sometimes we just have to make do with what is available.
And what did this mode of operation replace?
It took the place of hope. The hope that maybe next time, things will go differently. The hope of finding what I need to find - a harmless flame - by being what I am instead of what I need to be. It replaced the permission to be weak on occasions with the practical demands of a lone wolf that has to keep on fighting because there's no one else to step onto the line, not even for a moment. It abandoned an approach that I tried to get to work for decades, in favor of sacrificing what little remains of my soul just to keep on going for just a little while longer.
Is the capability of doing this a masculine trait, or is it something that most people would succumb to, given the right circumstances?
Gender is one of those things that initially appears simple, but the more you think about it, the more complicated you get. From purely the reproductive standpoint, the concept remains clear; it's either XY, XX, or in rare cases, XXY. Things start to get more complex when you look at things at the macro scale; the characteristics of the body have throughout the ages been used to define and distinguish gender, and while this works well most of the time, the instance of something happening to these characteristics - a woman that has suffered from breast cancer or had her ovaries removed, is still seen as a woman, and likely continues to feel as one.
Why is this? it makes sense if we think that chromosomes define one's gender, but chromosomes aren't something we perceive in day to day life. Could the defining factor be hormones instead, having an effect on both how we feel, and how the others perceive us? Possibly, but if this was the case, a person's behavior could be severely altered simply by adjusting the hormonal balance, getting men that act like women and vice versa. While I agree that hormones do play their role when it comes to one's behavior, I've myself not observed the change to be drastic enough to explain the feeling of gender dysforia.
What about the brain, then? Could it be the primary origin of the feel of which gender one belongs to? Naturally, this is clearly the case if we categorize the trans-experience as a mental illness, but there might be more to it than that - though we still don't quite understand how this biological neural network works - let alone how is activity seems to create the experience of consciousness - the physical differences between male and female brains are of such magnitude that they can be distinguished even by a visual inspection. One could then stop to think what might happen if one's brain developed to be of one gender, while the rest of the body developed traits of the opposing one - there at least used to be a notion of all fetuses starting out as female, developing organs not directly based on chromosomes, but by hormonal effect, and in this light, I feel it is conceivable that a condition such as this could occur if the hormonal distribution was uneven for some reason. This would classify transgenderism as a birth-defect and justify the current line of treatment.
Having said that, I've myself started to consider other possible causes for the experience of dysforia that led me to start my own transition in 2008 or so. Though the process aims to rule out psychological, delusion-indulging conditions, in my own experience, the analysis performed on me was not very throughout, and everyone around seemed to know the right things to say to get to process further. How would one ascertain for sure that they have a female brain instead of merely being a feminine man that's suffering from the society's pressure to fit into a gender role and possibly even from autogynophilia? Considering that sexual intercourse plays such a significant part in the lives of the vast majority of transpeople - at least the ones I've encontered both in WoW and in real life (or is casually whoring around with no strings attached the current prevalent norm?) - that it could actually be a mere fetish when it comes to some portion of the self-proclaimed females. And on that note, when looking at how many transpeople are behaving, one can't help but think that we might be dealing with a mental illness after all - I'm myself most certainly not a paragon of sanity, though it is debatable whether this state of my mind is the cause or the effect.
One thing I could do to get some further clarity would be letting a specialist take a look at the MRI-scans of my brain (that I have thanks to the examination relating to the chronic exhaustion) and tell me what they can make of it; I recall that a study has been done where FtMs were found to have brains resembling male brains while the brain of a MtF was more of a hybrid - something that certainly fits my own experience, sporting characteristics and behavior models typical to both genders - but I can't seem to find this study anywhere.
Furthermore, I feel a bit hesitant when it comes to the data regarding my brain; while it is not currently conceivable to reconstruct a brain out of such low-resolution images, thinking that it will never be possile is a very dangerous assumption to make - it hasn't been terribly long since we laughed at a certain TV-series for magnifying a significant amount of detail out of a pixel or two, but that's pretty much what the neural network -based artificial intelligence is doing these day. It just might be possible to perform such a reconstruction in the distant future using a similar approach that tries to come up with a brain that would produce the exact kind of images. Of course, if one's brain was ever recreated in such a way, the current conscious experience might not be associated with it, but once again, we don't understand these things well enough to make an even remotely educated guess, so making any assumption whatsoever regarding this would be ill-advised; I can think of nothing more terrifying than eternal existence that one has no control over.
What made me come to the conclucion of being a MtF, then? Truth be told, the only things I can remember are a strange feeling of something being wrong or out of place that had been with me ever since puberty or so - a feeling that one could describe as one's "self" - call it a soul if you will - not being completely attached to the body, but floating inside it instead. Yes, I know how mental this sounds, but it's the best I can describe the feeling that I interpreted as a gender dysforia - a feeling that would intensify whether the circumstances pushed me towards more traditional male behavior than what I naturally displayed. The sexual characteristics of my body also had this feeling of wrongness associated with them, genuinely feeling like my brain was incompatible with them. For the longest time, I did not have a name for this experience, but once I learned of it, the discovery felt "right", and unleashing my feminine side did result in a tremendous energy boost. Alas, this would eventually fade as it became apparent that even if I changed, the rest of world did not, the moment of true rest continuing to elude me. Still, there's no denying of the feminine, sensitive and submissive sides of my soul - though a good portion of it has hardened away during the years, that core still remains a part of me, as dead as it may be.
Writing these thoughts down has been somewhat therapeutic, and curiously enough, reflecting upon it has slightly bolster my confidence in the call I made back then being a right one. Sure, I do what is necessary under the circumstances, but despite of having resorted to this mode of operation many times in my life, I never saw it as something I'd keep on using indefinitely unless absolutely necessary.
However, further contemplatihg on the matter at this point in time would bear little results - the constant exhaustion and feverinshess are clouding my mind to the extent that I cannot perform a reliable analysis on myself, so I shall continue to push all this aside and classify myself as just a wraith for the time being - there's a lot of work to be done still.